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repressed memory came back...a very EVIL one: (trigger warn, pedophiles)

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  • repressed memory came back...a very EVIL one: (trigger warn, pedophiles)

    i have nowhere else to share this, my psychologist can't decide if i have just a collection of traumas or PTSD but today out of nowhere a chunk of my childhood hit me like a bolt of lightening...i had never remembered it until this morning, for a few hours i couldn't think and was dissociated from my body and this is coming from someone that can think, analyse and come to terms with being raped more than once, being force drugged for most of my childhood and mercilessly beaten EVERY day from the age of 11-14...i'm just gonna say it coz i need to get this out but it was deeply deeply repressed but i guess not being on morphine is opening Pandora's box a bit, i do a lot of meditation and practice shamanism and self analysis a lot, this was the very last repressed memory i had (i hope!), i still don't know what to do but at age 10 i was in a public toilet and i was sitting there in a stall...and why the stalls dont go to the ground is beyond me but i noticed something round and orange and shaking, i looked at it for 5 minutes and realized it has a bald man in his 40's, a pedophile who was obviously from the sound he was making and his face, masturbating as he lay on the piss stained ground watching me have a long dump...i told my parents who of course didn't care and carried on dragging me around town as they did their shopping, they should have called the police, this man should not have been walking around among normal people.

    i then remembered a few years later when coming to terms with being bisexual when i was 13 two separate male pedophiles were very carefully grooming me, one to get me to his caravan and do god knows what and the other to take me on a date and do god knows what, bare in mind my parents never gave a flying fuck about me or my safety, i received no bonding, love, affection, compassion or empathy and then suddenly there's this guy who will talk to me on the phone for hours and just enjoyed hearing about my day and what I'd been doing, i relished the non sexual attention but looking back i can see they were saying and doing things to slowly, methodically and quite cunningly trying to get me more accustomed to the idea of meeting them in person, at the time i just wanted someone to hug me, i didn't want sexual contact with them but they seemed able to work out ways to get me aroused without me really actually wanting to be, i didn't really understand what they were doing and i was genuinely pretty naive about even the existence of sexual predators online and being at that age where you've got so many hormones you can barely think he would use the 'buttons' he was able to find that to get off on twisting my early and naive sexuality to his liking.

    my parents also gave me unlimited alcohol from about the age of 13 and one night he noticed i was drunk on the computer, very very drunk, nearly unconscious, i had drank a LOT of vodka neat and he played back the things he had manipulated me to say over the phone when i was sober...they were very graphic, some things i didn't really understand.

    he told me he was masturbating to what i had said after having drank about 600mls of vodka.

    i know i did stupid things but i knew only a life of pain and loveless isolation so anyone paying non sexual attention to me (which is a large part of how pedophiles operate, they emotionally 'bind you to them in some way first and i was easy pickings as the unloved child opiate addict, also he over time through the odd question here and there found what got me aroused even if i didn't want to be and he was able to do that to me too and could easily manipulate me in many many ways and i think he knew that very well too, the other guy was more blunt and i was far more cautious of him but this guy became the only friend i had first and then started getting the hooks in.

    I'm playing far cry 3 to take my mind off this stuff, i feel dirty and am literally unable to resolve or even process what they were doing, i go in to a dissociative confused state if i try to address and resolve it, my mind just grinds to a holt the minute i try to deconstruct and repair the damage that has done or even that all this happened.

    if i had their emails anymore i'd do something about it but as it stands i don't, well that's all i can think to say about this, right now i feel pretty confused, used and dirty in a way that soap wouldn't wash off.

    thank you to anybody who read through this, i had to say this somewhere as it's just paralyzing my mind and one thing i can say about this forum is there are people here who have supported me during times of trauma and hardship and they have my many thanks...you all know who you are and i looked for hotlines but there's only one for men and it's only open a couple hours a day, there are about 30 for sexually abused women, this is 'the man space', they don't exist in the real world so we unfortunately have to have it online.
    Last edited by simeon the crushed; 01-07-2016, 12:31 PM.
    "There's a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious—makes you so sick at heart—that you can't take part. You can't even passively take part. And you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop. And you've got to indicate to the people who run it, to the people who own it, that unless you're free, the machine will be prevented from working at all."
    Mario Savio

    "A single, seemingly powerless person who dares to cry out the word of truth
    and to stand behind it with all his person and all his life, ready to pay a
    high price, has, surprisingly, greater power, though formally disfranchised,
    than do thousands of anonymous voters."
    Vaclav Havel
    'if you want to know who rules you, look at who you're not allowed to criticise' Voltaire

  • #2
    Simeon, big hugs for you today. You are not defined by any of them. You're strong and capable and you've overcome so much already, you'll overcome this too, I know it.
    "One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient".

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    • #3
      kudos to you, as you grow you get stronger and the brain releases memories to deal with. this is actually a positive step.

      you deal process and grieve this before you can put it to bed, you are doing the right thing.

      let it out don't let it eat you up this is a safe space.

      here if you need me been there bud
      train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose Yoda

      to thine own self be true!

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      • #4
        Hello Simeon,

        I've read your post a short while ago, and although it did move me, I couldn't manage to offer any words of comfort at first, which made me feel bad cuz you deserve that at least. I kept thinking about it and now realize that the reason why many of us - me in this case - are reluctant to interact is the immensity of your testimony .. it's so immense it made me feel insignificant in terms of what I can offer in return. Seemed to me that nothing I say might be adequate or good enough.

        I think that had it happened to me, I never could have admitted it to others. It takes a huge amount of courage and acceptance for you to post this, and I admire you for that. Also, you don't seem to hold any resentment towards people .. well maybe you do but I didn't really feel any deep-rooted resentment, which says a great deal about how kind you are as a person. I'm glad you shared this because keeping things bottled up ends bad in many cases, and it isn't necessary when there's people around you who are supportive like they are in here.

        I can only attribute good qualities to you as a person, and think that all of us do. There's a whole lotta people out there who are hateful despite having lead happy lives. Your attitude, on the other hand, is endearing and something to be acknowledged & appreciated. It makes me sad and angry that crimes like these still happen, but I'm glad that you feel comfortable talking about it here. I wish you received more support earlier on, but you know you have support in here at least, which is a credit to this place.

        A friend of mine confided a similar story to me once. I was shocked at first, angry, and then sad to learn that I was the only person he chose to confide in 15 years after the incident. He's such a sweet guy, easy going, and always wearing a genuine smile. I've read statistics on assault against boys and found that it's higher than that against girls, the reason being how focused we are on little girls that we often forget about the boys or think that stuff like that can't happen to them. People like you are a reminder for us to advocate for boys too.

        You're much stronger and more resilient than you think, thanks for sharing this and hope to see more of your comments in here.

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