Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Hello.....!

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Hello.....!

    Saturday, 7 November 2015
    Hello.....!
    So it has been nearly a week now since it all came to an end. I am more than a bit confused about a lot of things. The initial unbreakable grin has worn off and I find myself in a state of numbness. Between my wife and I, it would seem as if all we do is sleep. I'm tired right now and I just woke up.
    My curfew that I was under doesn't exist anymore yet we really haven't tested it out. You would think that after 5 years we would be out everywhere. Last night I suggested we go to Tim hortons for coffee at 1 a.m, cops were in the area investigating someone's misdeed but since they parked in front of my house I was full of panic. Thought maybe they were there to do a curfew check and here I was on the way out, maybe they hadn't heard that things have changed for me?
    I forced myself to go, all the while pondering it, looking at the time on my watch. We grabbed a coffee and headed straight home, my wife asking why I'm driving fast on the way home...didn't know why. Why were those cops parked in front of my house is all I said and thought.

    I once heard a story and it went like this: A boy caught a frog and put it in the jar. Of course the frog didn't want to be held captive and kept jumping out. So the boy who didn't want to let the frog go free put a lid on the jar. The frog attempted to jump free a few times, each time hitting its head. It stopped jumping and gave in to its fate as a captive. Soon the boy could remove the lid and to his amazement the frog never attempted to leave again, I imagine the frog was just grateful for fresh air.
    Am I like that frog? Just grateful for the fresh air, yet still willing to be captive?
    In some ways I can liken myself to the frog, I don't want to go anywhere and there is an undesernable fear outside of working in relation to freedom, liberty, choice, adventure. Like the frog have I given up trying to leap? to break free?

    There is more yet. My wife who married me and stood by me through a good portion of this in time. She and I have never had a honeymoon. She practically has lived as I've had to under law, yet accused of nothing. I never forced her in any way, in fact I would encourage her to adventure and even offer to pay. Not because I didn't want her around but because I didn't want her to be caged as well. Well other then once in 5 years she has gone no where, she explains that she felt it unfair to me.
    We have struggled so much, inching by financially each month, shackled. Have we forgotten what it's like to be free?

    There is more. I am so used to fighting so hard for myself that now there is no fight and I find myself at odds with what to do with myself. When I could through all of this I would work obscene hours, intoxicated in the calming effect. Daily I would also spend hours , at least 6 hours per day working on my case. Blogging, responding, going through paperwork, "better post this", case law , evidence....screaming out to anyone and everyone that just might listen. Writing the government, ministers, searching the internet. Saving information , hiding it in different locations around the world with supporters, keeping it in paper form ,digital, recording everyone.......Now I look at this computer and I don't know what the fuck I want to do with it, half of me wants to smash it.

    My hands are idle, work is sparse due to the recession, my fight is done, afraid to go anywhere yet financially unable to even if I dared....what the fuck do I do? Do I go after those 2 guards that raped me, charge them and fight like hell to prove that is true as well? If anything I would have an existence. Unfortunately that would only worsen this condition of mine, the P.T.S.D and although for a period of time I would have some satisfaction of putting the gloves back on, I know the outcome already. I would prove it as I have everything else yet they would get a slap on the wrist. Further tormenting my already tormented brain.
    It has been near five years, suggested by my mental health team that it could be up to and even double the time to heal......fuck me 15 years? They also want to start to scale back my dosage of valium as it is dangerously high, being a highly addictive drug. To put it into perspective for extreme anxiety they suggest 10 to 15 milligrams per day, while I sit for years at 40 per day. So in the back end am I an addict? Not in the conventional sense, prescribed calming to a PTSD fuck who wouldn't give up to them, a fighter that was so distraught he could damn near levitate.

    Ativan, diazepam 40 mg's,(valium) and 75 mg's of Trimipramine to sleep at night. Wow, until recently I still would sleep but a few hours at night, plagued by nightmares. Since my last day in court I haven't had the usual nightmares, a fact I find odd and I suggest it won't last. I did have one dream though and it seemed to be a series of dream, separate yet based on the same thing. There was no fear but in each multi dream a couple nights after court I was going over and over mathematical equations to explain to myself what had happened, reading books, re working some type of problem but I cannot define what it was, only knew that it had to do with ' how I got here'. Fuckin weird huh? lost in translation.At least with the rape dreams from while incarcerated , I know what they are about. This just baffled me and it seemed to go on all bloody night.
    Thanks for listening, not sure why this all came out but it would appear that it needed to.

    I have a name and it no longer is the accused.

  • #2
    Originally posted by joseph harms View Post
    Have we forgotten what it's like to be free?
    You've been conditioned. I imagine it's going to take some time to get over that. I'm reminded of that line from 'Shawshank Redemption' when Red starts a new job just after getting out of prison but still feels he needs to ask his supervisor if he's allowed to go take a leak.

    Red: [narrating] "Forty years I been asking permission to piss. I can't squeeze a drop without say-so."
    "The truth is sometimes a poor competitor in the market of ideas" George F. Kennan

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by joseph harms View Post
      Saturday, 7 November 2015
      Hello.....!
      So it has been nearly a week now since it all came to an end. I am more than a bit confused about a lot of things. The initial unbreakable grin has worn off and I find myself in a state of numbness. Between my wife and I, it would seem as if all we do is sleep. I'm tired right now and I just woke up.
      My curfew that I was under doesn't exist anymore yet we really haven't tested it out. You would think that after 5 years we would be out everywhere. Last night I suggested we go to Tim hortons for coffee at 1 a.m, cops were in the area investigating someone's misdeed but since they parked in front of my house I was full of panic. Thought maybe they were there to do a curfew check and here I was on the way out, maybe they hadn't heard that things have changed for me?
      I forced myself to go, all the while pondering it, looking at the time on my watch. We grabbed a coffee and headed straight home, my wife asking why I'm driving fast on the way home...didn't know why. Why were those cops parked in front of my house is all I said and thought.

      I once heard a story and it went like this: A boy caught a frog and put it in the jar. Of course the frog didn't want to be held captive and kept jumping out. So the boy who didn't want to let the frog go free put a lid on the jar. The frog attempted to jump free a few times, each time hitting its head. It stopped jumping and gave in to its fate as a captive. Soon the boy could remove the lid and to his amazement the frog never attempted to leave again, I imagine the frog was just grateful for fresh air.
      Am I like that frog? Just grateful for the fresh air, yet still willing to be captive?
      In some ways I can liken myself to the frog, I don't want to go anywhere and there is an undesernable fear outside of working in relation to freedom, liberty, choice, adventure. Like the frog have I given up trying to leap? to break free?

      There is more yet. My wife who married me and stood by me through a good portion of this in time. She and I have never had a honeymoon. She practically has lived as I've had to under law, yet accused of nothing. I never forced her in any way, in fact I would encourage her to adventure and even offer to pay. Not because I didn't want her around but because I didn't want her to be caged as well. Well other then once in 5 years she has gone no where, she explains that she felt it unfair to me.
      We have struggled so much, inching by financially each month, shackled. Have we forgotten what it's like to be free?

      There is more. I am so used to fighting so hard for myself that now there is no fight and I find myself at odds with what to do with myself. When I could through all of this I would work obscene hours, intoxicated in the calming effect. Daily I would also spend hours , at least 6 hours per day working on my case. Blogging, responding, going through paperwork, "better post this", case law , evidence....screaming out to anyone and everyone that just might listen. Writing the government, ministers, searching the internet. Saving information , hiding it in different locations around the world with supporters, keeping it in paper form ,digital, recording everyone.......Now I look at this computer and I don't know what the fuck I want to do with it, half of me wants to smash it.

      My hands are idle, work is sparse due to the recession, my fight is done, afraid to go anywhere yet financially unable to even if I dared....what the fuck do I do? Do I go after those 2 guards that raped me, charge them and fight like hell to prove that is true as well? If anything I would have an existence. Unfortunately that would only worsen this condition of mine, the P.T.S.D and although for a period of time I would have some satisfaction of putting the gloves back on, I know the outcome already. I would prove it as I have everything else yet they would get a slap on the wrist. Further tormenting my already tormented brain.
      It has been near five years, suggested by my mental health team that it could be up to and even double the time to heal......fuck me 15 years? They also want to start to scale back my dosage of valium as it is dangerously high, being a highly addictive drug. To put it into perspective for extreme anxiety they suggest 10 to 15 milligrams per day, while I sit for years at 40 per day. So in the back end am I an addict? Not in the conventional sense, prescribed calming to a PTSD fuck who wouldn't give up to them, a fighter that was so distraught he could damn near levitate.

      Ativan, diazepam 40 mg's,(valium) and 75 mg's of Trimipramine to sleep at night. Wow, until recently I still would sleep but a few hours at night, plagued by nightmares. Since my last day in court I haven't had the usual nightmares, a fact I find odd and I suggest it won't last. I did have one dream though and it seemed to be a series of dream, separate yet based on the same thing. There was no fear but in each multi dream a couple nights after court I was going over and over mathematical equations to explain to myself what had happened, reading books, re working some type of problem but I cannot define what it was, only knew that it had to do with ' how I got here'. Fuckin weird huh? lost in translation.At least with the rape dreams from while incarcerated , I know what they are about. This just baffled me and it seemed to go on all bloody night.
      Thanks for listening, not sure why this all came out but it would appear that it needed to.

      I have a name and it no longer is the accused.
      I would suggest if you have the ability to move away from that place, right now all around you has become part of your world, going somewhere fresh could give both you and your wife an ability to rebuild from scratch, leave the past behind and focus on the future, and it would also give you something to do in the mean time.
      I sexually identify as a sword pommel, check your privilege or i will have to end you RIGHTLY.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by joseph harms View Post
        My hands are idle, work is sparse due to the recession, my fight is done, afraid to go anywhere yet financially unable to even if I dared....what the fuck do I do? Do I go after those 2 guards that raped me, charge them and fight like hell to prove that is true as well?
        Well, have you given any thought to the suggestion of creating a YouTube video telling your story? Maybe not right away but after you've had time to heal a bit. There are several MRM people with video blogs. One of them might be willing to do an interview with you and get it on YouTube. You can include the rape story. I doubt you will ever see any justice but just getting the story out might be a type of catharsis for you.

        I'm not sure that you will ever get any true justice from an unjust and corrupted system. I mean if the system wasn't inherently dysfunctional and corrupt, none of this would have happened in the first place...
        "The truth is sometimes a poor competitor in the market of ideas" George F. Kennan

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Autolite View Post
          Well, have you given any thought to the suggestion of creating a YouTube video telling your story? Maybe not right away but after you've had time to heal a bit. There are several MRM people with video blogs. One of them might be willing to do an interview with you and get it on YouTube. You can include the rape story. I doubt you will ever see any justice but just getting the story out might be a type of catharsis for you.

          I'm not sure that you will ever get any true justice from an unjust and corrupted system. I mean if the system wasn't inherently dysfunctional and corrupt, none of this would have happened in the first place...
          i think this could be therapeutic very much. i see the things you've gone through and i read between the lines and i see whats not said i think accurately.. it's unreal what you've been through.
          Originally posted by MatrixTransform
          where were you before you put yourself last?
          Originally posted by TheNarrator
          Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends.

          Comment


          • #6
            I don't have that ability.

            Comment


            • #7
              I offered long ago to do interviews, no one has taken me serious or was serious I suppose. I'm sure out of the 70 plus thousands that read my blog, someone had to have had questions, specially in the early days. The best way to tell if a person was or is lying is to get them to tell you the story backwards....this I can do with ease. Even amongst men's rights groups it just seemed to be too much. Honestly there is a lot of bullshitters amongst these groups.

              Comment


              • #8
                I hear ya boss

                Comment


                • #9
                  its a shame no one even tried to.
                  which speaks volumes probably no one believed in you.. which is a depiction of our country's system and people.
                  Originally posted by MatrixTransform
                  where were you before you put yourself last?
                  Originally posted by TheNarrator
                  Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I can assure you that some of my biggest critics and doubters came from these very groups, men's rights reddit,,etc. You would be at awe some of the comments, statements, people blocking me. I never even started posting on AVFM until a few days ago until it was all done. total for legal fees donations I got 25.00 from one guy, even after AVFM wrote three articles on my case. So in the end, these are definitely not the places to look for support, understanding. If you do get some attention , another guy will get jealous and have you banned or removed....say maybe its women posing as men....dunno

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      i think it's men
                      Originally posted by MatrixTransform
                      where were you before you put yourself last?
                      Originally posted by TheNarrator
                      Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        The scary part is even though I should feel relieved, pleased, pleasant and hell I'll throw in Happy....I'm more at odds then ever. Statistically speaking we approach a season where more men commit suicide then any other gender. What I am about to say isn't trivial, attention seeking or a cry for help and I have discussed this with my doctors. I'm not certain what I will do, I have accomplished that which I fought to do and that was clear my name. I hate to use the suicide word because it is so fround upon and yes there is good reason. But recently I spoke with a doctor that asked me if I was suicidal, I said yes. "How long have you been suicidal he asked"? I said for nearly 5 years. Before he could go into his learned responce I interjected and asked him as he a learned, educated man, if he was ripped out of his home and everything stripped from him, his carreer, home, family, social network, community support system, jailed and actually raped as a form of punishment for being an accused rappist.....what would he do, oh and they prevented him from accesing his funds for legal help.
                        He just looked at me and I continued. I said go home and look around your home and all that you worked your ass off for, have a glass of wine and think if you lost all your collegues faith, family, sosial enviroment.....he stopped me and said that in fact he would contemplate suicide. So I tried to make light of it, offered the bed beside me at the hospital but he declinde.
                        It's very easy to abstractly advise people when your not wearing the shoe's, living the life.
                        I have said this before, I'll decide. It isn't illegal and if a person decides there is no messure you can take to prevent it. I make no guarantees, there are things , people's feelings to weigh out, etc but aultimately it is my choice.
                        Don't get me wrong, I fight but I have fought and the end result of the fight is someone who still persists to say mouth off,deal underhandedly, and those in charge do nothing to confront, control or stop it and finally I am as much as confussed as the day on May 21 /2011 when I was stripped of my full back harness, handcuffed and dragged away.....try and stop your brain from asking "why?"or how?, who, what...wtf?
                        Would I pass by someone injured? nope, be the first to do what ever I could, if a cop was being injured would I deffend, yeah I would with balls he wish he had. The question I struggle with is would I swerve in front of a semi, loaded....i resist because I would hate to harm him possibly physically or emmotionally.
                        This isn't a game where ther is an eventual outcome of win or lose, there is no monetary value, its an endless "game" that goes on beyound that which we are physically and emmotionally capable of and then you keep going until your" reduced to fuck this I quit" even people who watch mixed martial arts or boxing max out at 20 mininutes of a slug fest, their blood lust and inidentifiable gratification need to be filled. A false accusation and then the eventual flaunt of confession without repercussions is a life long battle, fought with llittle armor,allies, resources until even your inner self worth is tainted, you become tired, sick even and you either retap your gloves and fight on, tighten your skates and play on, regardless your inner self, regardless if the fans grew tired and simply went home. So do you quit? that is souly up to you but I can say that I have had some gratification that a forensic phsychiatrist admitted he would commit suicide, I chuckle the thought of the irrony and seriously doubt if he will ask me that question again. Thanks for listening, its cool that two complete strangers can be open without consequence.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by joseph harms View Post
                          The scary part is even though I should feel relieved, pleased, pleasant and hell I'll throw in Happy....I'm more at odds then ever. Statistically speaking we approach a season where more men commit suicide then any other gender. What I am about to say isn't trivial, attention seeking or a cry for help and I have discussed this with my doctors. I'm not certain what I will do, I have accomplished that which I fought to do and that was clear my name. I hate to use the suicide word because it is so fround upon and yes there is good reason. But recently I spoke with a doctor that asked me if I was suicidal, I said yes. "How long have you been suicidal he asked"? I said for nearly 5 years. Before he could go into his learned responce I interjected and asked him as he a learned, educated man, if he was ripped out of his home and everything stripped from him, his carreer, home, family, social network, community support system, jailed and actually raped as a form of punishment for being an accused rappist.....what would he do, oh and they prevented him from accesing his funds for legal help.
                          He just looked at me and I continued. I said go home and look around your home and all that you worked your ass off for, have a glass of wine and think if you lost all your collegues faith, family, sosial enviroment.....he stopped me and said that in fact he would contemplate suicide. So I tried to make light of it, offered the bed beside me at the hospital but he declinde.
                          It's very easy to abstractly advise people when your not wearing the shoe's, living the life.
                          I have said this before, I'll decide. It isn't illegal and if a person decides there is no messure you can take to prevent it. I make no guarantees, there are things , people's feelings to weigh out, etc but aultimately it is my choice.
                          Don't get me wrong, I fight but I have fought and the end result of the fight is someone who still persists to say mouth off,deal underhandedly, and those in charge do nothing to confront, control or stop it and finally I am as much as confussed as the day on May 21 /2011 when I was stripped of my full back harness, handcuffed and dragged away.....try and stop your brain from asking "why?"or how?, who, what...wtf?
                          Would I pass by someone injured? nope, be the first to do what ever I could, if a cop was being injured would I deffend, yeah I would with balls he wish he had. The question I struggle with is would I swerve in front of a semi, loaded....i resist because I would hate to harm him possibly physically or emmotionally.
                          This isn't a game where ther is an eventual outcome of win or lose, there is no monetary value, its an endless "game" that goes on beyound that which we are physically and emmotionally capable of and then you keep going until your" reduced to fuck this I quit" even people who watch mixed martial arts or boxing max out at 20 mininutes of a slug fest, their blood lust and inidentifiable gratification need to be filled. A false accusation and then the eventual flaunt of confession without repercussions is a life long battle, fought with llittle armor,allies, resources until even your inner self worth is tainted, you become tired, sick even and you either retap your gloves and fight on, tighten your skates and play on, regardless your inner self, regardless if the fans grew tired and simply went home. So do you quit? that is souly up to you but I can say that I have had some gratification that a forensic phsychiatrist admitted he would commit suicide, I chuckle the thought of the irrony and seriously doubt if he will ask me that question again. Thanks for listening, its cool that two complete strangers can be open without consequence.
                          So you found out the truth, that there is no such thing as rights, that nobody cares if you live or die unless they can get something out of you, that the only right in this world is the right of force and those that have it will not hesitate to use it to ruin your life without the slightest bit of remorse if they can get something out of it, the real question is can you handle this knowledge, for me there is one thing that kept me from seriously thinking of suicide, being alive is preferable to being dead, think about that very carefully, think about how it is to not exist, everything you are, were and could be gone forever, suicide will not bring you relief, it will not put things the way they were before, it will end you, a flash of light and then darkness, forever, personally i don't like that prospect, and would like to delay it as much as possible, how about you?
                          I sexually identify as a sword pommel, check your privilege or i will have to end you RIGHTLY.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Anonymous View Post
                            So you found out the truth, that there is no such thing as rights, that nobody cares if you live or die unless they can get something out of you, that the only right in this world is the right of force and those that have it will not hesitate to use it to ruin your life without the slightest bit of remorse if they can get something out of it, the real question is can you handle this knowledge, for me there is one thing that kept me from seriously thinking of suicide, being alive is preferable to being dead, think about that very carefully, think about how it is to not exist, everything you are, were and could be gone forever, suicide will not bring you relief, it will not put things the way they were before, it will end you, a flash of light and then darkness, forever, personally i don't like that prospect, and would like to delay it as much as possible, how about you?
                            some people wont be there to get something out of you.

                            but those someones are very few and far between.

                            i liked your post very much Anonymous.
                            Originally posted by MatrixTransform
                            where were you before you put yourself last?
                            Originally posted by TheNarrator
                            Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I see a big ol' silver lining in what you have written. You have a wife who stood by you through this whole thing. Perhaps she is that unicorn we've all been looking for. Take her on that honeymoon.
                              I used to think collapse was inevitable. Now I realize it is necessary.

                              It was only a matter of time before the bicycles realized that they in fact did not need the fish.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X